10.19.2014

WORK.



Noun: activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result.

I fear that I am the difficulty when it comes to relationships. The issue being that when you view me from afar, you get a certain impression of who I am (not). Actually, that is a lie; because when I am alone I am a different person. Independent and carefree, confident and secure. To a certain extent, I am happy alone. Mostly for the reason that I do not over think me.
It takes a lot for me to let someone in. I will be interested in you from a distance, but not necessarily make it known. You will sense there is some curiosity, but you may question the sincerity. This is because I am proceeding with caution. I've often purposely stopped myself from falling for people. I would rather protect my heart and sit at home (alone) watching Julia Roberts movies.

The problem is, as best described by Drake, I go from zero to a hundred real quick. I cannot pin point the exact moment when it happens, but I imagine it resembling an avalanche. All at once the walls come crashing down and you have the ability to hurt me. I have let you in. This causes major dilemmas considering who I am changes. I become a little bit more dependent, slightly insecure and a master at over analyzing. I could imagine the person on the other end becoming slightly confused.
It is mostly controllable, until I feel that the trust barrier is broken. This causes most things to become a painful chore. My mind turns on to constant over drive. Thinking and re-thinking and over-thinking the situation at hand. I often worry that no amount of reassurance will fix things. How do you get to trust again? Because it is all I want to learn in life right now. If my brain had an erase memory button I would have pressed it numerous times. The truth is, sometimes the situation is not even what I think it is. A misunderstanding, a bad connection, a wrong thought. Deep down I know I should trust, but I can't throw away certain judgments. As much as I try, they won't disappear from my recollection. Conversations replay in my head like a broken record. And it isn't fun. It hurts. The consequence is I become too needy. Always wanting constant reassurance. This too is not fun. I want to be carefree again; to be that girl you once chased and wanted so badly.
I don't need elaborate nights out or fancy things. All I would want is to know that I like him and he likes me; that there is no other woman in his thoughts. Good morning messages, and to know that no matter what the day holds, he would want to end it with me; goodnight phone calls. I want to feel that he is proud to hold my hand and show the world that I am his. A duo; a pair. In it together. Someone to face the good and the bad with. In the end, that is what matters most. But in reality, that is a lot and probably a huge ingredient as to why I've been alone for so long.

Merde.

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