3.06.2013

Regret.



Verb: Feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, esp. A loss or missed opportunity).

Another engagement announced. And although I am happy for the couple, I cannot help but feel a pang of jealousy? This is normal, correct? I mean, isn’t jealousy a natural feeling when we encounter something we want but can’t/don’t have? I often leave myself wondering in confusion when I feel these emotions over these situations. Do I want to be engaged? I thought I didn’t really believe in marriage? Oh wait, none of this matters because I am still single.
Now and again I can’t help but apologize to myself for the fact that I never really made an effort. I like to make-believe that I am this independent woman and in doing so I think I give off a bad vibe. I refuse to be vulnerable. I don’t have a welcoming demeanor and I’ve been told on numerous occasions over the years that I give evil looks (in my defense, sometimes I think I’m giving sex eyes and they just come across as evil). I hide my feelings. I pretend I don’t care, when I care too much. I run away before I can be disappointed. I’ve gone so far as deleting phone numbers so I don’t call/message certain people in moments of weakness (aka. drunkness). I know regret is an awful thing, but I can’t help but wonder sometimes.
Am I the only one who notices how obvious it is that once a month I become way too serious, even borderline distressed? And this month I’ve managed to give off some pretty extreme secrets.  Way to go overly emotional me.
Merde.

Post Script: I was notified of an additional engagement while writing this; there must be something in the air...

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